My 2014 Victory and a Lovely Swiss Roll

Happy New Year.

Firstly, you absolutely have to make this Swiss Roll. It is the kind of cake you make when you don’t really have much of an appetite for something heavy, but you know you want a nice satisfying treat. It is light, it is moist and it is worth it! Don’t worry that it requires just a tablespoon of condensed milk. Buy the big 14oz tin; we would use the leftover in my next recipe.

Ok, now on to the other topic:

I was silent the past few months because I was going through a battle that I thank God I finally have victory over. I was battling Infertility. I have been battling it for 5 years now but God finally helped me overcome it in November/December. I actually don’t remember exactly when it was that the victory came, but it just came! I have so much Joy and Peace now that I don’t even understand how I have survived thus far.

I am finally free. After countless ovulation kits, Clomid sessions, thousands of vitamin supplements, 6 IVFs and numerous nights of crying myself to sleep, I am finally free. Free from the stigma I placed on myself, free from the label I thought people were putting on me, free from the shame I felt and free from the box I put myself in.

I am not yet pregnant, but I know that someday, God will do what He alone can do. I am finally enjoying my life and thanking God that He trusts me enough to allow me go through this trial, knowing that He would not give me more than I can handle. He knew I was strong enough to go through it and come out victorious and I have!

This is my story…..

When I was much younger, I always dreamt that I would get married at 26 and by the time I was 32, I would have had all my kids. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out as I planned. I got married at the age of 28, two years later than I had planned. Not too bad, I thought that at least, having all my kids by age 33 was not too far from my original plan. Well,  I am now 34 yrs. old,  not yet pregnant but I thank God that I can say I have learnt so much in the time that has passed. I always prayed to God that I wanted my Joy to be Full. I always made this prayer in reference to our children bringing us joy. However, the Joy I have now is pure unadulterated Joy from God; not tied to anything.

 In my time of battle, I realized why Nobody Talks About Infertility. It is something that is so personal and unless you get to that place of true liberty and freedom, you can’t really share it with anyone. I am at that place now. And I want to share with you what was going through my mind all that while and how God helped me through it.

It was not an easy journey. I prayed for Joy for 5 years and it finally came. There were days I did not even have the strength to get out of bed to work (I guess some of my customers would now understand why some days I chose not to work). I just did not have the strength or motivation. I wanted to curl up in bed and cry all day and just ask God “Why?, Why Me?” . Well, Why Not Me? I would definitely not wish this experience on anyone. Looking back now, it is amazing how far I have come in my journey, I have been built and I am a much stronger person in Him.

 All the above being said, it’s been 6 yrs. since we have been married and 5 years since we have been actively trying to conceive. Nothing ever prepares you for the pains that ensue while trying to conceive. 

 After our wedding, we had decided to wait one year before trying to conceive, this was an agreement between my husband and I. We had also made our mothers aware of this so that there would be no pressure (we all know what that can be like). And thankfully, there was none. During this period, I was not working, so I spent most of my time cooking exotic dishes for my husband and as a result, I put on quite a bit of weight. This led to a lot of people thinking I was pregnant.

 My sister in law got married sometime during the year, I think it was at this point I realized that maybe I had put on more weight than I thought. Everyone kept congratulating me (and my mother). At first I thought it was because of the wedding, then while I was dancing, someone sent word to me that a pregnant woman should not be dancing the way I was!!! This was when I realized that they were congratulating me because they thought I was pregnant. Oh no, I was not pregnant yet; it was just my big tummy deceiving them and embarrassing me. I had to do something about this weight!

 Well, I did nothing about the weight because it was time for us to start trying for kids and I just thought that if I went through the pain of losing all this weight, I would just put it all back on when I got pregnant. In short – I was being lazy.

 And so it began, that we started trying for a beautiful baby. And we tried. And tried. And tried some more. Nothing! 6 months went by and nothing. That was when all the crazy ovulation monitoring started. I monitored my ovulation like a hawk! I was not going to miss it. Countless test kits but still no pregnancy. My friend recommended I try Clomid. That maybe I wasn’t ovulating properly (if there is such a thing). So the Clomid sessions started. With even more ovulation test kits being used, but still, nothing…

To be continued

For now, enjoy this cake!